Starkbucks
by Dark Rabbit
Summary: Played for humor: Tony Stark is owner of a coffee place, where he has his fun, trying out all the hottest employees. ...Although he thinks he might have found a keeper in Loki.


Mr. Samberg: "Thanks for coming to your performance review."  
"No problem."  
Mr. Samberg: "So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?"  
"Absolutely, I'm the boss."  
Mr. Samberg: "Okay, so take us through a day in the life of 'the boss'."  
"Well the first thing I do is...  
"Talk to corporate." (like a boss)  
"Approve memos." (like a boss)  
"Lead a workshop." (like a boss)  
"Remember birthdays." (like a boss)  
"Direct workflow." (like a boss)  
"My own bathroom." (like a boss)  
"Micromanage." (like a boss)  
"Promote Synergy." (like a boss)  
"Hit on [Loki] Debra..." (like a boss)  
- The Lonely Island, "Like a Boss"

_**The Avengers**_**, **_**Iron Man**_**, and **_**Thor**_**, and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

You're the boss, there are going to be certain privileges, for instance, you get to try out all the employees. You notice how the girls all flock to Starkbucks? There's a reason (and it isn't because our Pumpkin Spice Lattes are so much better than the other guy's, shall we say). Come on, let's walk on in the door, and let me show you the reason:

Behind the counter? That's Thor. He was in the Management Training Program for a while. Yeah, he's cute and all (and he has a hammer that _won't quit_). That blond hair? Total chick-magnet. Won't say I wasn't interested too, but it didn't last. Guy's dumb as a rock. He's dumber than a whole sack of hammers, just this big, dumb, (sexy as fuck), stupid, dumb, blond, dumb, stupid, stupid-dumb, blond-blond-blond muscleman. A guy gets tired of just muscles-muscles-muscles after a while. …Okay, it was kind of a long while. After a while though, Tony Stark _moved on_.

There, over there, see him? The one with the 40's GI haircut and the flag-shirt? Oh yeah, that's the one. You're looking at Steve. Also calls himself "Captain America." That's when he's performing. He's the one that talked us into doing a poetry slam on Thursday nights. Yeah, that brings in a lot of business. …Of course most of it's chicks, wanting to look at him. They can look but not touch. After I dumped him, Steve hooked up with some chick… Think her name's Peggy. …Something like that. Steve's not much of a poet. All that happy horseshit about America-this, and Star-Spangled-that? _So_ Greatest Generation. Yeah, but he was fun in the sack. …For a while. After a while that innocent act of his started to grate. He's muscles _all the way down_, if you know what I mean, and yeah, there can be an appeal to that, but a guy gets tired of _always_ having to deflower the other guy, you know? And _never_ having him get any of your references. Or do any of the work. After a while, Tony Stark started to look around.

See him? The really blond one? What do you mean chubby? He's not chubby. …Okay, maybe a little, in a good way. A _really_ good way. That's Jarvis. Guy's smart as a computer. Also, he's really good at taking care of you _if_ you know what I mean. Chicks like him too. That innocent, Data-from-Star-Trek-the-Next-Generation thing of his brings 'em in in droves, and then they spend money. _Lots_ of money. He's got no imagination though, you know? Don't know what it is. It's like he thinks in binary or something. After a while, he lost Tony Stark's interest. Even though he's probably _the_ smartest guy who ever worked here, he had to be flunked out. He just wasn't _management material_.

What, the black guy over there? Looks like he used to be in the military? Nope. Never happened. Don't even go there. And _don't_ tell him about the Management Training Program, okay? Whatever you do? Rhodey's a good friend, but he's not always, shall we say, the most _understanding_ person in the world. Sometimes he gets weird. At inconvenient moments. The Management Training Program is for _fun_ guys, Rhodey's more one of your _hum-drum_ kind of guys. Oh, he's nice enough, but… Anyway, he doesn't need to work here. My man Rhodey comes by that military bearing honestly. Full-bird Colonel, US Army. Not to brag on him or anything, but yeah, he's _real_ high-up. Intelligence, got the President's ear. The whole nine yards. Him and me, we go way back, there's just some things he doesn't understand. So yeah, the Training Program? Just to be safe, this whole conversation? _Never_ happened, if you get my meaning.

…How about him? The dark-haired one behind the espresso machine. Wait a minute… Wait for it… Machine's going, let it finish. Then let the steam settle from that pitcher of milk. There, now you can see him. Look at that one: _How about him?_

That's Loki. Oh, Loki, Loki, Loki. …_Loki._ Uh, yeah, you could say he's in the Training Program. You could definitely say that. Look, watch him move. See that body? What do you mean, you can't when he's behind those machines? You can see part of it. You can see enough. _Look at that body._ I mean, really look at it.

You're not one of those muscle-fetishists, are you? All muscles, all the time, gotta be big or you're not buying any? Loki's got muscles. You get under those baggy clothes, he's got muscles where it really matters. He's got one muscle… Yeah, I think it's a muscle. It gets _hard_ like a muscle. Squirts like 'em… Yeah, I know muscles don't squirt. It squirts like… Help me out: What's something that squirts? …That gum from the 80's. What was it called? That stuff sucked like _fuck_, but it squirted, anyway. His muscle squirts like that stuff… Freshen Up, that's what it was called.

…So yeah, look at Loki. Just relax, take a long, good look at him. I'm thinking of instituting a new uniform-policy. Assless chaps, just for Management Trainees: What do you think? Yeah, I know, not really. That's a joke. Just maybe in the bedroom. _My_ bedroom, you understand. Management Trainees don't live in the kind of places Tony Stark likes to go. They can't afford to, the wages we pay 'em. The pay's in the prestige, you understand. And in the chance of getting a promotion. The illusory chance.

Loki: That _body_. And that smile. …That _hair_. Greasy-looking? What do you mean greasy-looking? His hair is clean. That's just the _product_. He uses kind of a lot of it (like a lot too much). He's hot aside from that though, isn't he? Like, _smoking_-hot?

You know, there are times I don't think I'll ever get tired of Loki? He's smart. Oh, and he's clever too… Yeah, that's different from smart. He's, like, _humorous_, you know? Like, he's snarky, that's what I mean. He makes me laugh. Kind of nice, not having to be the guy that makes everyone else laugh for a change. And he's always up for a risk. That's kind of nice too. Sitting in a giant donut up above Wilshire and eating jelly-filleds at 7:00 in the morning is _not_ too much of a challenge. That's sexy, you know? Like, really, really sexy.

Yeah, sometimes I think I might just have a keeper here with this one. Although there is this new-hire, Bruce, sometimes I think he's got some potential. He's got kind of a way about him… And he's a science-nerd, of course. Tony Stark has always got a soft spot for a scientist. …Not literally, you understand. No, that's one brown-eyed scientist who makes me _nothing but hard_. Although he does have kind of a temper. I might not like him so much if he ever got really angry…

What, her? The one over there, with the red hair, that's who you mean? That's Pepper. The estimable Ms. Potts. She's the manager. Yeah, her and me, we had a little bit of a fling a while back. Like, 12% of a fling. It didn't last. (Truth is, I was kind of afraid she'd quit on me. Sometimes my flings do that. Like, you know, they get a taste of the Tony Stark wang… It goes away, and they just can't stand sticking around with it gone. Like a loneliness thing, that's what I think it is. I wouldn't want Pepper to leave like that.) …She's the manager, yeah. And she'll always be the manager, she's damn good at what she does. Don't tell Loki though, okay?

And you know what, if I hear you've breathed a word about the Management Training Program? You know, about the truth about it? You ever breathe a word about that, you are _done_ in this industry. I've got friends in high places, I will _make_ it happen. But you wouldn't do that, would you? You and me, we're tight. We're, like, _good friends._ Want to share a piece of Loki after we close tonight?


End file.
